I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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