I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
