I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
