My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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