I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
