he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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