The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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