just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
