yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
