the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this boner is exhausting
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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