I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
