i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this just has baby written all over it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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