oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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