I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
