found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
