Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
