My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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