I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
