God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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