If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
