I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
