It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
