I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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