I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
