I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
