but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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