I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
