my phone needs a breathalizer
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
