You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
