bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
