i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
