I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
