matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
