I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
