Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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