I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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