Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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