Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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