Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
