don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
