Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
