Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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