Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
