I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
