I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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