can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
