He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
