I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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