just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
