Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
